If there’s one thing I take seriously these days, it’s my family lineage. In that, I don’t want to continue it at this point. China had the right idea with the 1-Baby-Per-Household law they had going on. With that said, I feel that the ladies of the world have a lot of responsibility when it comes to children, like making sandwiches for them and so forth. I, as a man, am quick to step up to the plate and take responsibility for not making those women make sandwiches. Because let’s face it: the more sandwiches they’re making for little Billy, the less they’re making for me. It’s just too much to ask. Cutting the sandwich diagonally; removing the crust; lightly toasting. It’s a full time job. I don’t even know how little Billy likes his sandwiches, but I’m sure it’s not any easier.

Scientists today have been kind enough to perform countless hours of research to invent birth-control methods, prophylactics, and various castration techniques, in an attempt to quell the ridiculous rate that women of the world are getting knocked up. Guys, it’s not her responsibility. If you stab somebody with a sword, it’s your fault. Your sword went into her tour bus, and overthrew the Cardinal’s Guard. End of story. Pardon my analogy, but I’m sure we ALL know what I mean now.

Keeping the preceding text in mind, I took it upon myself to test some of the more reliable methods of not getting a girl pregnant. I enlisted the help of five test subjects. So as to avoid any unnecessary confusion, we’ll refer to these girls as Girl-A, Girl2, Girl-D, Girl-4, and Chica-Cinco. Optionally, I’ll substitute the pronouns “So-And-So” and “her” where appropriate. I don’t want anybody getting lost. Just to make sure the facts and findings are unbiased, I deliberately selected women who hated me at one point in life, so they wouldn’t be tempted to lie. So, given that I had that strict criterion in mind, I easily narrowed the candidates down to roughly 4,000 people.

The Rhythm Method

To start this experiment off, I wanted to stay as far away from the wild and crazy methods as possible. So, reflecting back on 7th grade sex education, I says to myself “Paul…what is GUARANTEED not to get a chick pregnant?” After some intrapersonal time, it hit me. What was the teacher always saying: “Abstinence Paul.” And what did I say every time she said that? “No way! I’ve only been abstinent like twice all semester. I’ve been here all week for sure.” That teacher sure was stupid. So obviously, the Rhythm Method is the OBVIOUS choice here. I’m pretty sure I remember reading somewhere that it’s like 98% effective, if not more. Although I’m pretty sure it is, I don’t want to misquote and say it’s 100% effective, because you never know what can happen these days what with various fertility drugs like Stacker 2 and Nut Bust 5000 and stuff.

For those of you who don’t know what the Rhythm Method is, let me summarize. The universe is governed by mathematical equations and logic and junk. So, everything is based around numbers; sort of like math is. There are 28 days in the lunar cycle. For those of you who don’t know what the lunar cycle is, lunar means moon, and cycle is a vehicle you pedal. So basically, the lunar cycle is that car they took up to the moon that one time. It takes 28 days for that car to drive around the moon, and on the 28th day, most human woman start bleeding to celebrate. I know it sounds weird, but it’s probably some ancient religious practice somewhere, so don’t question it. Just take my word for it.

In order to use this information to not impregnate Girl-A, I basically just had to pie her when the Lunar Mobile was NOT visible on the moon. I repeat NOT. This is really important. I once had a guy tell me he used to sing “La-Cucaracha” in his head while thrusting with his pelvis, to keep the Rhythm. If you think that’s what the Rhythm Method is, you’re a fucking moron. Pay attention. In fact, despite the fact that I have no rhythm on the dance floor, I seemingly excel at the Rhythm Method in sheer spite of this. Eat your heart out Soul Train.

Now it’s pretty safe to say that some of you are a bit skeptical about my theory. That’s understandable, and I encourage debate. Feel free to use the comment section at the end of this article to share your thoughts. But in the mean time, let me point out that in Super Mario Brothers, you have to like…jump on the Goomba’s head to kill him. Basically what that entails is timing. You have to run, and jump at the right time to land on his head right? Ok great. Now, think of Girl-A’s uterus as the ground. Mario is one of million potential baby makers. So there I am…running along, right? The ground is pregnancy. The Goomba is the Fact-1 test coming up negative. I’ll give you a minute to digest all that.

Come on it’s not that hard. The Goomba, the ground, Mario, and the Koopa Troopa. Right? WRONG! There is no Koopa Troopa. God you’re a moron. Try to stay with me here.

The point is that if I jump at the right time, I land on the Goomba’s head, and I won’t get Girl-A pregnant. It’s all about R-Y-T-H-M. I mean R-H-Y-T-H-M. The Rhythm Method works, and using Nintendo’s tried and true system, I’ve adequately proven this. Everyone likes Nintendo, even the people who don’t like them. So I rest my case.

So, after the year long testing period, Girl-A only had 1 baby. And really, that’s not too bad considering I’ve beaten Super Mario Brothers like…I don’t know 15 times, without warping. If you think about it too, Girl-A was also dating another guy at the time, and he looks like a Koopa Troopa. So does the baby. So really, I think I can safely say that the Rhythm Method was totally 110% effective because of my proper use of the run-and-jump, avoiding the Goombas. If anyone has any questions about this technique, just reread this section. At first it may sound complicated, but it’s really not.

The Yellow 5 Technique

With Girl2 I took a different approach. I was really sort of hesitant to try this whole Yellow 5 Technique because of the fact that I’m a pretty holistic person, and as such, not a huge fan of supplements. Basically what happens is that there is an artificial dye called Yellow 5. One half of the name is obvious, but I’m not quite sure where they came up with the “yellow”. In any case, this dye can be found in products like Mountain Dew, yellow Skittles, and stuff like that. Let me go ahead right here, right now, and say that this is what I call a Heavy Early Research, Preparation & Envisioning System, or H.E.R.P.E.S. for short. If I just wanted to bone Girl2 whenever I felt like it, I’d have to go to the store first, buy a case of Mountain Dew, and a 5 pound bag of skittles. THEN, I’d have to ingest all of those products to drop the ‘ol sperm count. Then, I’d have to throw up, because I just ate five pounds of candy (As a side note, this is a surprisingly effective method of weight loss as well). Then I’d have to piss like a racehorse. Finally, I’d have to tap Girl2 on the shoulder and let her know I’m ready. Unfortunately, she’d be dead, because 78 years passed by in the time it took me to do this. Ha ha. Zing!

Ok that’s a bit of an exaggeration. However, this process does take a bit of prep time, so don’t forget to plan well ahead of time to boink your woman if you intend to use the Yellow 5 Technique. The nice thing about this technique is that if you fail, and she gets pregnant, at least you have like 6 cases of Mountain Dew to drink, so you can sit with her and be bloated together. It’ll be a bonding experience. Chicks are into that kind of thing. Trust me, I know, because I’m not. Therefore, since I’m not a chick, and I’m not into it… the transitive property of the law of sine curves says that chicks are.

Now at first, I had a running theory that it was all in the nature of the food, and not the Yellow 5 dye itself. So I conjectured that if I ate McDonalds every day I’d be as impotent as a guy with no balls. Well, either I messed up, or I was just wrong about my theory, but 3 kids later, nothing seemed to be working. As such, I shelved that tangent theory, and returned my focus to the Yellow 5 technique.

I should point out that there are some possibly undesirable side effects to drinking 24 cans of Mountain Dew every day. For one, I noticed I started saying “Dude” a lot more. Also, certain areas of my body started to develop piercings. Once, one of my friends was eyeballing my Mountain Dew, and I straight up head-butted his ass. Finally, I started listening to a lot of those bands that aren’t really singing, just shouting. And they’re not really playing the guitar, just wiggling one hand up and down over the same chord, possibly with a white guy “rapping” in the background. “Rapping” is quoted, because it doesn’t legally qualify as rapping in certain parts of the country. So where was I? Oh yeah.

Those are just a handful of side effects I noticed. Luckily it doesn’t really change your life much. Unless you’re like… a guy named Leroy who lives in the projects, and you all of a sudden started listening to that music, and playing the guitar. If that’s the case, I suggest you stop drinking Mountain Dew immediately, and get a 40 oz. of King Cobra to try to reverse the process. Trust me, if that’s your situation Girl2, probably Shaquanda in your case, does not want her baby-daddy gallivanting around like that, embarrassing her. The fact that her name is Shaquanda is more than adequate embarrassment.

One final thought is that I may or may not have flat-lined once, but I’m not entirely sure I can attribute that to the Yellow 5. Sure it’s an outside chance, but if I cite that, it’ll affect the results of this experiment in a negative fashion. It’s hardly even worth mentioning really. So the bottom line is that if you’re one of those anal retentive planning guys, this technique is incredible. H.E.R.P.E.S. is the key avoiding pregnancy folks. Don’t you forget it.

The Jesus Route

Ok I’m no psychiatrist. I’m no psychologist either. In fact, I rarely ever get the –gist of anything. So with that in mind, let me bring you to speed on the Jesus Route. I was using my incredible powers of deduction again. I got to thinking, how many priests do I know that have ever gotten a girl pregnant? NONE! Maybe it’s happened, but *I* don’t know any, and that’s good enough for a scientific fact in my book. So then I got to thinking, what is it exactly that these guys (priests) are doing to not get chicks pregnant? I quickly leafed through the Bible, the Torah, the Koran and that other Bicycle riders’ book; the Book of Moron or something like that. I noticed that the whole time, chicks are getting pregnant like it’s going out of style! In fact some guy named Abraham, who is apparently my father, had like a billion kids, and lived to be 634! I know, I know, I’m thinking the exact same thing you are… What kind of a name is “Abraham”? Don’t worry about it; let’s just stay on subject here. Oh and don’t laugh, he’s your father too. It said he’s everyone’s father.

The point is, somewhere in recent history, priests everywhere figured out how to get some Tang, without stirring the Kool-Aid. Which is great, because even though Kool-Aid is easy to make (I can’t believe this analogy is still working), once you make it constantly, you have to keep buying sugar. Once you keep buying sugar, you have to… have to uh… ok and I lost it.

Anyway, long story short, I basically just researched the stuff that priests do, and I figured if I could do the same with Girl-D, I’d have no problems keeping her from getting pregnant. Let me tell you friend, this exercise was a raging success. I had at it for upwards of like… I don’t know… maybe 5 months! She didn’t get pregnant once! Furthermore, I was only arraigned on gross misconduct charges twice! That may sound bad on the surface, but trust me, paying some fines and taking 5-10 was a LOT cheaper than raising a child.

Cherry Poppin’ Daddies

I was discussing the premise of these experiments with a female friend of mine, and she was like “You can douche with coke.” I was like “Yeah, but coke is expensive as hell, and if you get caught with it, it’s a narcotics charge; which is a felony.” Then she was like “Yeah, except I’m talking about pop.” And I was like “What the fuck does this have to do with your dad?!” Then she was like “Coca Cola you asshole.” And then I was like… ok this is getting ridiculous; I think this warrants a dialogue. Here we go:

And that folks, is when it hit me. The cherry. Sweet cherry. I heard that you can bang virgins until the cows come home, and pigs fly; which in my estimation will happen at the same time because the pigs can fly the cows home. So anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. All I had to do, to not get a chick pregnant, was to only have sex with girls who are virgins. PERFECT! Enter Girl-4.

Dudes, this theory is totally on point, because I had sex with her just like instructed, and she didn’t even get pregnant. Now, the NEXT time I had sex with her she DID get pregnant. So that just further proves the theory that you can’t get a virgin pregnant. Now I hear you “Sure, but that could just be a coincidence.” You’re absolutely right. So I didn’t take any chances. She got pregnant the 3rd AND 4th times we had sex! Every time EXCEPT the first. Trust me, the theory is water tight. Rock solid. Impeccable. I’d be a fool to say it’s 100% fool-proof, so let me just say it’s 110% fool-proof!

The Manpon

Ok so the virgin theory works fine right? I agree, I’m really pushing the envelope by trying to out-do myself there. But I strive for perfection, and the virgin method has a flaw. You’re only a virgin a few times in life, and somewhere before you become one again, you have to be born. That makes you a born again virgin. This process can take a while, because the medical field hasn’t made any advances that I’m aware of. So until they do (or I write another article) I needed another method that let me get all Marvin Gaye on a chick on a regular basis. I needed more absolute control. After all, this is all about what *I* can do, not what I have to rely on her for.

It all happened one day while I was rubbing one out to the latest Playboy magazine. I know! Of all places to learn about sex, Playboy was the LAST place I would have thought to look. Anyway, I start reading this article about how constant pressure on the gonads reduces the sperm count. I finished reading the article about 3 hours later—no it’s not what you’re thinking. I’m not some kind of endurance champion or anything, I just had to turn the page, and it got a bit awkward. Anyway, I was determined to apply constant pressure to my gonads in order to lower the sperm count. I wasn’t about to get all gay and creative, so I just started with the basics. I put my hand on my shit. Yeah. I just cupped the balls. I think it was working fine from a technical standpoint, but it made it really hard to type at work. Also, people kept looking at me funny. I decided I needed a way to pull this off, hands-free.

It was time to wrack the brain. I went to my room, grabbed my trusty sketchpad, and whipped it out. The sketchpad, that is. That’s what I whipped out. I quickly eliminated some easy ways out.

Duct Tape. Duct Tape was out of a question for 2 reasons. One, I’ve had that shit pulled off my arm, and it’s not a pleasant feeling. One can only imagine how that would feel separating from your Taint. Secondly, and most importantly, I used all my Duct Tape on my windows, preparing for a chemical weapons attack.

Constrictors. I’m talking about like rubber-bands and stuff. All the ones I could find had newspaper ink on them. NEXT!

Buying small ass underwear. This was a great idea in theory. But then I realized what a huge expense this would be. Plus, your ass crack will be hanging out, which I think would jeopardize any respect you could command, unless you were in the plumbing industry. Furthermore, you’d look like an ass shopping in the little boys section for some He-Man skivvies. BUT, I really felt like I was on to something here.

That’s when it hit me. Instead of buying small ass underwear, what if I could modify my existing ‘dees to fit the bill? Ingenious! I paused to congratulate myself. It was only fitting to pat my own ass, professional sports style, because it also offered me an opportunity to investigate my underwear. Boo-yah. I hit up my closet for supplies. It had to be stuff that every guy owns, so soap and food was out of a question automatically. I figured I could use video games and electronic equipment, but then I couldn’t use them for their intended purpose, so I ended up back in my closet. I quickly used my Boy Scout skills mentioned in my other article to fashion a pseudo-diaper/rock climbing thingy. All it took was like…3 or 4 extra belts. I had like 3 that were broken, but apparently I was hanging onto for sentimental reasons. I’ll have to cover those reasons some other time.

This, gentlemen (and concerned ladies) is the Manpon. It’s like a Tampon, for a manpon. I mean for a man. For anyone who’s going to chastise me for stealing the Bro, or Manzier idea from Seinfeld, I can’t really fault you. All I can say is that I honestly thought of it without thinking about that. If you just came here to accuse me of plagiarism, then there really is no soup for you. All you have to do, is fashion your Manpon by wrapping the belt between your legs, and around the side of a leg of your choosing. Whichever leg you feel most comfortable with is fine. Fasten the belt, or if you’re using some rope or twine, tie a knot and apply some moisturizer to the areas you’ve already chaffed.

Next, get the second belt, and toss it over your shoulder like a continental soldier. This should only be attempted if your ears hang low and optionally wobble to and froe. You should now look like a very gay Andre the Giant in your belt/rope/twine singlet. Now, with that said, you take this second belt/rope/twine and apply a Taught Line Hitch to it. I have cleverly provided this link to help anybody who doesn’t know how to tie this particular knot. This should be done AFTER you pass your second belt through the first belt that I told you to tie around your leg.

I assume that you have let this first belt/rope/twine fall to the floor, so pick it back up. Got it? Ok now bend over and pick up the second one you just dropped by bending over. HOLD ON TO THE FIRST ONE! You dropped it again didn’t you? Idiot. How the hell are you expecting to avoid children if you’re this incompetent to begin with? Christ. Ok so loop it through, and tie the above referenced Taught Line Hitch. Once that’s in place, you should have a nice little Schlong-Sling going on. Go ahead and tighten the knot slowly, until you feel pressure. Now, sing a note….not something easy either, I’m talking about like a high C or something. Hold it. Hold it. Keep tightening as you’re holding. Keep tightening until your voice pitches somewhere above Justin Timberlake, but not quite Prince. If you hit The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, you’ve gone too far.

That’s it. You’re done. Finish clothing yourself, and go ahead and parade around like this ALL DAY! Now, whenever that special lady, in my case Chica Cinco is ready, you just flip the belt buckle, and have at it! Ohhhh that’s it now. Work it. Put that thang down. Flip it. Reverse it. That ‘a boy.

You should be using your Manpon whenever she’s NOT using her tampon. When she is, she really can’t get pregnant, so you’re in the clear. Of course, she’ll be bleeding. But hey, if you want to play Moses and part the Red Sea, that’s none of my business.

I can say with confidence that with the Manpon method, I didn’t get Chica Cinco pregnant more than once a year. I attribute those rough spots to the belts wearing out and so forth. Nonetheless, I think we can all agree it is a highly effective method. This kind of a success rate will keep you hearing “Daddy” all night. And for once, it won’t be to change a diaper! BOO-YAH!

Survey Says…

Well that’s it folks. I’ve laid out the facts, the fiction, and all the other genres in between. I feel like if you can walk away from this with at least 1 method, and at most 10 children, then I’ve done my job. Remember, you should never attempt any of these techniques unless you’re in a committed relationship with a woman, and you’re a registered U.S. citizen. If you fail either criterion, you should immediately rectify one or both of the situations. Ironically, either can be solved by leaving the country. I highly recommend you do. Take it from me.

Syber
4726 Zebra Lane
Tongueclick Zimbabwe

P.S. I would like to dedicate this work to my 17 lovely children the world over. You should never think that Daddy doesn’t love you—he simply doesn’t acknowledge your existence.

Originally posted 4/25/2003 by Syber